The Oscar statuettes were arguing again. The Best Director statuette was telling the Best Picture statuette, “You know, we don’t always see eye to eye. There have been times when the Best Director winner wasn’t the one who directed the Best Picture. And vice versa.”
Best Picture: Of course. This year we have eight nominees for Best Picture, but only five for Best Director. That proves I’m more important.
Best Director: Au contraire, Mr. Doofus, this proves the exact opposite, since mine is a more select group. It seems any movie can get nominated for Best Picture.
Best Actor: Will you two stop it already? Or I’ll have Michael Keaton fly over you and drop you a little message, if you catch my drift.
Best Picture: You think you’re going home with Michael Keaton? Ha! Just wait till you find out you’re going home with Eddie Redmayne, and his wheelchair, or Benedict Cumberbatch and his analytical engine.
Best Actress: Well, I’m going home with Julianne Moore. Unless she’s forgotten about the whole thing … hmm, that could pose a problem. Do you think she’ll remember to attend the ceremony? Well, at least I won’t have to go home with Meryl Streep. Again.
Best Supporting Actress: Mery Streep is mine, Baby
Best Actress: Just because she’s nominated doesn’t mean she’ll win. What is this, her 200th nomination?
Just then the Lifetime Achievement Award walks into the room. “Alright guys, let’s just make sure we show up at the ceremony on time. Remember, it’s Sunday February 22 at Hennessy’s Irish Pub, starting at 6:00 pm with the Red Carpet interviews and wardrobe snickering, and 7:30 for the actual ceremony. So put on your Sunday best and try to act sober. Oh, and I almost forgot. Here’s the official Oscar Ballot, ready for you to print…
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